Like We Never Loved At All
by pampongchamp
Summary: My NaNoWriMo 2005 story. Sean and Ellie spend years trying to mend their relationship to keep their family together
1. Sean: Family Man

Disclaimer: The characters in this story belong to the creators of Degrassi: The Next Generation. I am in no way affiliated with the show, my opinions on characters and storylines are strictly opinions and do not reflect that of Degrassi, or its creators.

This story was my piece for NaNoWriMo…or National Novel Writing Month. For those who are unfamiliar with it, it is a writing contest where you have exactly thirty days to write a 50,000 word story. It takes place in November and I strongly suggest that everyone try it out next year

But since it was for NaNoWriMo, and I was trying to take up space with words, it explains things that any Degrassi watcher would already know…so I apologize.

This was concocted in my brain during early season 4, before the shooting and all…so use your imaginations

Since this story is already written it should be updated often, (unlike my other stories…sorry everyone)

I always appreciate reviews so please do so

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I never imagined myself as being a "family man". I never really pictured Sean Cameron as the guy the whole family depends on for money. Or coming home at the same time every night for dinner, and to tuck the kids in bed.

Maybe it's because I never had what most would consider a real family. I try as hard as I can to remember the last time we were all together. When I was 6, my dad went to jail for the first time. At the time, I didn't really understand why he wasn't around anymore. But I did understand that I didn't miss him. My mom wasn't around much while dad was locked up. I guess she had better things to do than raise her children. My older brother Tracker, or Chris as my family knows him, was fourteen and pretty much the caretaker of the entire household. Dad got out of prison when I turned twelve. It was my birthday, and he was definitely the worst present I have ever gotten.

Then when I was thirteen, the "incident" happened. I swear I didn't try to hit him that hard. So this simple playground disagreement over God knows what turns into this huge deal. He's deaf in one ear, and Tracker and I were on our way to Toronto. Dad was on his way back to the slammer, he had a court date a few weeks later, and mom said she couldn't bear to look at me. But to tell the truth, I didn't want to look at her either. What kind of person ships off their child, let alone both of them, over one stupid mistake. If I had gotten to kick her out every time she messed up, I would've. But luckily, she let herself out. I promised myself that day, as Tracker and I drove away from our dirty old trailer, that if I ever had children, I would never, ever treat them that way.

Growing up, it was so hard for me to grasp the concept of love. It was something I wasn't fortunate enough to experience. It seemed like this really distant thing, a mountain peak that was impossible to reach, and it was blocked by the clouds, so I couldn't even see it if I wanted to. I longed to know what love was like. I wanted to feel love, to know love, just to be loved. I think that's why I fell for Emma so hard. She was just this tiny little blonde girl who cared way too much about animals and the rainforest, things that no one else paid any attention to. And she paid attention to me. Being with Emma was just so easy, she was very easy to love…she was perfect. And I messed it up, on several occasions. I just let her slip right through my fingers. The last time (of many times) we broke up…when I think about it, it still keeps me up at night. Her step dad, my teacher Mr. Simpson, he had leukemia. He was so sick all the time, and her mom had to work a lot, so she was always having to baby-sit her baby brother, so we didn't see each other that much. I broke it off because I said she wasn't spending enough time with me. But in reality, it was because I was jealous, I was so jealous of her because she loved Mr. Simpson. She loved her family and she was willing to do anything to help them. I wanted to have someone to love, to take care of. I just couldn't see that she was right there.

Tracker left me alone to follow his dreams to live in absolute mediocrity in the middle of grade eleven. He got this "dream job" that was going to move us both way out of town, to Alberta. He was going to drill oil or something stupid like that. But I refused to move in the middle of the year. So I got to live in the house all by myself, thanks to my generous shop teacher, who offered to be my guardian of sorts. I couldn't have been happier to be on my own. But when Ellie moved in with me, it completely sealed the deal. Her mom was having a lot of problems with her alcohol and everything, so I took her in. I was seventeen years old, living on my own, with my girlfriend nonetheless. We had our own little family of sorts. Ellie got the ridiculous idea to buy us a ferret, named Bueller. So it was just us, and the "baby". Life was absolutely perfect.

Waking up every morning to see her lying next to me was such a wonderful feeling. To see her gorgeous red hair sprawled out around the pillow, stray curls around her perfect face. I loved to see the sun streaming through the windows, creating a striped pattern across her delicate skin. Unfortunately, it took awhile for me to get to enjoy my daily sight of my gorgeous Ellie. The first few weeks, I slept on the couch, and Ellie was in my bed. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable…I really wanted her to stay.

One night, I know that it was a Thursday. Ellie and I had been up late studying for our English test that we had the next morning. I was really tired and I collapsed on the couch really quickly. I don't even know what time it was when I woke up, but it was pretty late. I looked around our dank little living room; I could make out some distinct features like the TV, and the kitchen table. I noticed Ellie standing a few feet in front of me, but I was too tired to be startled.

She gracefully made her way to me, I rubbed my eyes and started to sit up, "hey El, is everything-"

She bent down quickly and swept my mouth into a kiss. This was a different kiss than Ellie usually blessed me with. Something about it was passionate, and hungry. Her lips still pressed to mine, I slunk back down on the couch and she daintily sat on the edge, her hair falling charmingly onto my shoulders. I lifted my hand from under myself and placed it on her cheek. Her lips parted from mine, leaving me feeling suddenly lonely and empty. She put her own hand over mine and lifted my palm to her mouth and placed a gentle kiss on its center. Even in the dark I could see that the look on her face was one I'd never seen before.

She bent down slowly until her lips brushed past my left ear. "Sean, come to bed with me" she whispered in a very innocent, yet slightly seductive way

I was very confused by this, "to sleep right?"

She smiled in a sly manner and shook her head

"You mean?" I gulped, completely unprepared. I didn't expect this time to come for a very long time. Ellie was so shy, she insisted that I be on the couch or in the kitchen, facing the wall, and all doors and windows in the house be locked before she got in the shower.

She stood and took my hand. I obeyed, and followed her down the hall to the bedroom. When we got inside she shut the door behind her. I tried so hard to speak, but I didn't know what to say to her. She had definitely caught me off guard with this one.

When she came toward me and began tugging at the bottom of my shirt, I got scared. This wasn't her, this wasn't my Ellie. But when she swept me up in another kiss, I felt her again. This may have been Ellie, but she wasn't acting like herself. As hard as I tried to stop her, I ended up going along with whatever she had planned. The insatiable male part of me just couldn't help it.

Later when the heat of the moment was at its peak, Ellie and I had moved to the bed. Neither of us had any clothes remaining on our body. As I spread kisses all over her neck and throat, I noticed her small hands were shaking as they grazed across my back. I suddenly came back from whatever universe my brain had sailed off to.

I sat up so I could see her face. I reached over to sweep the hair out of her face. Her eyes were wide and she was chewing viciously on her lower lip. The best word to describe her expression was terrified. I smiled as genuinely as I could, in attempt to calm her, "Ellie, what's wrong?"

She opened her mouth to speak, and instead began to sob. It was the first time I had ever seen Ellie cry. Seeing her at that height of vulnerability shot through me and made my stomachache. I sat up and brought her with me, I held her delicate body as close to me as I possibly could. Then, my nervous rambling started, "Ellie, Ellie, please please tell me what's wrong. Talk to me. I-I have to make this better. Ellie, what…I- um please"

She parted from me, sniffling and settled back against the pillows. I slid back down next to her and stroked her hair, trying to coax her into talking to me. She nervously pulled the covers up to her nose and sank further back. Then this strange, fast talking, super emotional Ellie burst out, "Sean, I thought this was what I wanted…well, I thought it's what you wanted. I mean, I know you had sex with Amy didn't you?" she didn't give me time to answer, "I don't really know what's expected of living together. But I'm almost positive it's included in the plan. I just don't think I want to. I mean I do want to have sex with you Sean, don't think that I think you're like a leper or something and I don't want you, because I do. Trust me, I really do. Just…not right now."

When she had stopped talking long enough to breathe I smiled and placed a kiss on her forehead. "Go to sleep Ellie" I laughed. And we settled down into bed for a wonderful nights sleep. And after that night I never woke up without Ellie in my arms.


	2. Ellie: Ask Me To Stay

I can't exactly say that living with Sean was a good, or a bad idea. We had our moments of pure bliss, and some hellish ones too. I was going through so much, as it was. Being a teenager with an alcoholic mother, who is trying to recover from a serious self-mutilation problem, was a lot to take on. Being a full-time girlfriend, who had to pay rent, just was one more brick in the stress wall.

Sean was great, almost all the time. He always treated me wonderfully; he wanted to take care of me. The worst feeling in the world though, was resenting him for it. Deep down I realize that I can't take care of myself. The deep scars all over my arms could prove that to anyone. But I had a serious problem admitting that. But Sean, he knew me too well. He saw through all of that.

The second Friday before grade twelve began, Sean and I were uneasily walking around our tiny apartment. That morning we had had a ridiculous argument over how to load the dishwasher properly. I don't even remember which side I was on now, but I know it had something to do with which way you should face the plates. We had screamed at each other for about forty-five minutes. Flinging awful insults and picking at each other's deepest insecurities. That's the hardest part of fighting with someone you love and trust so much. They know all that little stuff that's so easy to throw in your face.

So on my ninety-seventh awkward lap around the couch the phone rang. The shrill sound clanged through the silent room. Echoing in an unforgiving manner off of the walls. Extremely hideous walls that desperately needed paint, but because of an argument over color, never got it.

"I'll get it" those were my first three words spoken to Sean, or to anyone since the very last, "fine!" of the morning's argument.

"Hello," I breathed into the receiver, completely worn down.

"Eleanor" the voice crept down my spine and made my skin tingle

"Hi mom" I said shakily, gripping the receiver with both hands. "What, um, why are you calling?"

"I just wanted you to know that my rehab is finished. I'm checking out on Monday. I've purchased a little place in our old neighborhood. A bit smaller this time, but I think it will work. I am counting on you joining me there, is this correct?"

"Well mom…" I looked at Sean whose eyes were now locked with mine, full of hurt and concern, "I'm gonna have to think about it a little while."

"Alright," she sighed, "but I want you to know that things are going to be different this time, I've changed Ellie." I actually heard my mother speaking in a genuine manner. And to be honest, it shocked me. "I promise" was the last thing she said before I heard a dial tone.

I gently set the phone down on the counter and started toward Sean. He was facing the door now, his hands firmly under his chin, with his fingers lazily covering his mouth, "she wants you home doesn't she?" he asked harshly, after a long silence. His eyes still fixed on the wall.

"Sean…I" I began, I could see his knee starting to bounce and his jaw was resolutely locked in place. Sean really wasn't that great at controlling his anger in times like this. I could tell that today wasn't going to be any different than the last few months. This argument would be just like all the others. He was going to yell at me, and I would yell back. This would continue for about a half hour. Then I would cry or he would storm out. And no matter what we would end up in bed "solving things." That exact routine had become our life.

"Go" he said, straight out, with no trace of emotion in his voice at all.

I was taken aback, "what?"

He loosened up his posture and faced me; he leaned over the arm of the couch and stretched his neck out, "I said, go"

I stepped back in disbelief and folded my arms to protect myself from this seemingly unstable Sean that I had never met in my life. "So you aren't even going to fight with me? You have no argument? Nothing to say?"

He turned back to face the TV and slunk down to a completely relaxed position, "no, I'm not"

I felt hot tears welling up in my eyes, "Sean…"

"If you want to go back and live with your mom, then fine"

"_Sean please, please say anything. Don't let me go," _I begged him from inside my head. I needed him to fight this time. He had to.

When he didn't say anything else I had to, "so you're just letting me walk out of here? After everything?"

"If that's what you want" he said, I didn't believe a word he said

"_Sean! I want you! Can't you see that? Just beg me to stay!"_ my heart had now joined my head in its inward battle

I moved so he couldn't see the tears that were now gently making their way down my cheeks, "ok, well it's been fun, hasn't it?"

He whipped around, "God Ellie don't be like that!"

"Like what?" I screamed, full out sobbing now

"Don't try and tell me that I don't care about you!" he stood

"Then why Sean?" my sadness was slowly being dissolved by my growing anger, "why would you just let me walk out of here without a fight?"

"Because you don't want to be with me!" he screamed, his self-loathing words piercing at my core. I couldn't stand for a person that I loved that much to just tell me all the time I'd spent at his side, practically worshipping his very existence that I didn't care.

I grabbed my purse and keys off of the counter and headed for the door.

"Where are you going?" he yelled with a hurt in his voice

"I don't want to be with you, remember?" I opened the door, "I'll be back for my things on Monday" and with that I slammed the door on him. I closed the door on our relationship.

Sean still doesn't know to this day that I spent the night sobbing on the front steps.

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Thanks for all the reviews, I'm glad you guys like it so far…I think I'm going to put up chapter 3 today too…It's just too exciting

Keep reviewing:)


	3. Sean: Time to Grow Up

It took me a very long time to grasp the concept of being "grown-up." Did this change happen when you reached a certain age? Like one morning, did you wake up and realize, "hey! I'm an adult now!" Or did it come about after some life experience? My parents definitely didn't fit into the young category, and yet they seemed to act that way. Just like stupid teenagers with no responsibilities or self-respect. And you'd think that jail time, multiple arrests, and two pretty messed up kids would help you mature…but I guess not.

The first day of my pseudo-senior year started out just fine. I met with the principle, Mr. Raditch, who informed me that since I had worked so hard the year before, it might be possible that I could graduate next December. So that meant that I would only be a semester behind my friends instead of the original year. I was walking down the familiar halls of Degrassi Community School, on a sort of high over the recent news. It had always bothered me that I was so behind everyone my age. But then again, if I hadn't been a grade behind, I wouldn't have met Emma. I turned down a hallway toward my first classroom, and in one glance the whole day had been shot to hell.

I hadn't seen Ellie since she'd walked out on me two weeks before. Her mother had come by to get her things, which made for a lovely experience for me. This god-awful woman who I cannot stand, just going through my drawers and cabinets, taking things that weren't even Ellie's. The entire time she mumbled things under her breath, and whenever she addressed me, she said my name in the most condescending tone I had ever heard.

But that day in the hallway, she looked more beautiful than I had ever seen her. She was walking past the turquoise and blue lockers with her best friend Ashley, laughing with her backpack slung lazily over one shoulder. Her hair was down in soft waves and shining in the light that beamed in through the large windows. I froze and just watched her; my heart was breaking more with every second that passed. I hated not having her in my life anymore, I had driven her away, and I knew it without a doubt. When she saw me, her expression completely changed. It wasn't an angry one, or sad…it looked more like frightened, or embarrassed. But I just stood there like a dope while her and Ashley rushed right past me.

As the week went on things just got worse. I was slowly beginning to realize exactly how much of my life had turned into "us" instead of "Sean" over the past few months. Our friends, were now just her friends for the most part. With the exception of my friend Craig Manning who had fortunately stuck by me through all my crazy Sean moments since high school has started. If it wasn't for Craig I would've spent every lunch period on my own.

There was this one guy, Jay Hogart, he and I were pretty tight before I got with Ellie. He was bad news, your token troublemaker. For some strange reason, well…ok, because of Emma I thought I wanted to be just like him. Thankfully, Ellie had made me see otherwise. But since I had found myself Ellie-less he thought it would be a great idea to rope me into his little bad boy games. I was just too depressed to play along, plus, despite the fact that she didn't speak to me anymore, I still wanted to show Ellie that I was better than him. So I just shrugged off all of his offers for parties and drugs, and stealing from the mall, his absolute favorite pastime.

On Wednesday of the second week of school, I was walking down the halls in my newly acquired zombie-like matter. The day was almost over, I just had shop left, my favorite and best class and then it was straight home to go to bed and wallow in my pity and shame. I was just throwing my books in my locker and getting my sweatshirt. When I went to shut the door I saw Ellie coming toward me. I slammed it quickly and started toward the auto shop. She was following me, I could feel it. So I began to walk faster, if she wanted to play the avoidance game, I was definitely going to win. But when I heard her say my name in such a desperately sad way that it sounded like a tortured plea, I couldn't help but turn around.

She was standing a few feet from me, my eyes went immediately to her face that was red and her eyes were swollen with tears.

"Sean, I need to talk to you" she choked out in a desperate cry.

Without even saying a word to her, I took her gently by the elbow and urged her to follow me. We slipped into the auto shop that was not surprisingly empty. My class was definitely full of slackers. Mr. El was in his office sorting through papers. He was my shop teacher and since last year, my guardian. He signed the papers that got me my student welfare. He told me about the whole thing in the first place. He was like a dad to me. He taught me a lot of things about life, and myself. He was just like me when he was in high school, the bad boy that liked to race his car. And one night during a race, he wrapped his car around a tree, and now he's in a wheelchair, teaching high school auto shop. I owed him big time. I went to the door and Ellie went in rushing behind me, trying to hide her distress. I knocked on the doorframe.

Mr. El looked up and took off his glasses, "hey there Sean, what do you need me to sign today"

"Oh, nothing…Uh, Mr. El…can I…can we use your office a minute. We…have to talk" I stumbled out

He could see Ellie cowering behind me and obviously noticed the seriousness of the situation. "Of course, just don't take the whole period. I need you to show this class of nogoodnicks how you fix a carburetor"

He wheeled past me; Ellie was leaning against the wall staring into space, sniffling quietly. "'Scuse me darling'" Mr. El said kindly.

When Ellie realized he was talking to her she moved quickly and covered her face sobbing. I could literally feel her embarrassment and shame. It was killing her to have a perfect stranger see her be this vulnerable.

I shut the office door and pulled out the chair in front of the desk for Ellie. She sat and stared at the floor. I came around and sat on the desk, facing her. I decided I wasn't going to force whatever was happening out of her, I was going to just let her talk. But to be honest it was killing me. The brave superhero part of me just wanted to rush in and fix everything. But something told me that I needed to just let Ellie talk.

For a good while we sat just like that. The only noise was Ellie snapping her rubber band quickly against her wrist. I reached out and placed my hand on her right shoulder. She lifted her hand, her wrist red and swollen from her abuse, and touched my fingers.

"Ellie," I said softly. I moved her hair out of her eyes, "what's wrong?"

"Sean-I" she began, "I-I'm" then she broke off into sobs

I couldn't help but get frustrated now. As badly as I wanted to stay calm and supportive, my temper just took over. "You're what El?" I said, a bit louder and harsher than I meant to.

But she lashed out right back, "I'm pregnant Sean!"

You would think that when you hear something like that one's eyes might bug out of their head, or their jaw would hit the floor with a thud like a sleazy wolf in an old cartoon, when his tongue rolled out like a red carpet. But not me. I didn't even sweat. I just sat there, staring at her.

I was trying to figure out if I had heard her correctly or if I had just imagined the worst thing that she could've said. So I felt it necessary to repeat her, "you're pregnant?"

I could see she was the one that was frustrated now, "yes, that's what I said"

The shock was beginning to wear off and my brain was starting to crank up, "are you sure?"

"Yeah" she nodded, "absolutely positive. I went to the doctor yesterday."

We were having a baby, an actual living person that I had to be responsible for, a baby that needed food and diapers, and a million other things that my student welfare wasn't going to cover. I was barely going to graduate on time anyway. A baby would throw off everything. I didn't have time for a baby.

Not all of my brain was deciding to work though, I just let my thoughts fly out of my mouth, "but how did this happen?"

"I think you know Sean," she folded her arms and her still swollen eyes were hidden under her furrowed brow.

"But-but we always used…I made sure…" I was pacing now

She stood, "it doesn't work one-hundred percent of the time! Dr. Sally taught us that in grade 8! Did you not pay attention?"

I was leaning over the desk; "oh my god, your mom…she's going to castrate me!" it was now becoming very hard to breathe

"This isn't funny Sean" I heard Ellie whimper behind me. When I heard her tiny voice, so full of hurt and fear suddenly all my selfish thoughts and ideas came crashing down. I hadn't thought for a second how Ellie must've been feeling. She was the one having a baby, not me.

I turned around, "Is-everything, are you ok?"

She bit her lip, a single tear fell from her right eye and landed on her top lip, she shook her head slowly. I reached up to wipe the tear off of her face, and she wrenched forward and latched onto me. To be honest, it shocked me a lot. I stood for a second with my hands in the air like I was under arrest. Then I slowly wrapped them around her, she was shaking and crying uncontrollably into my shirt. I planted my chin on top of her head and let her weep.

When she had calmed down a little I sat her back down in the chair and kneeled in front of her, my hand comfortingly on her knee. "So, what are we going to do?" as soon as I heard myself say "we" I remembered that there wasn't a "we" anymore. "I-I mean what are you going to do?" I corrected myself quickly.

She looked in her lap, "well I won't have an abortion," she said hurriedly and matter of fact.

"Well, what about adoption?" I asked

She looked at me with a face of disgust I'd never seen before.

"Ok, then…you're keeping it"

"We're keeping it Sean" she snapped

"You, you want me around?"

"This is your baby too." she sighed and took my hand, "this isn't going to be easy. I need you ok?"

I squeezed her hand, "ok, I'm here, you got me"

I still didn't understand what it consisted of to be a grown-up. But I had a pretty good idea that I would have to find out really soon.

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I know it's 2 in an hour, but I really can't resist…I've never had a story finished before I posted it

I got a review praising that the story was in Sean's POV, well as you can probably tell that we'll be switching between the two, and every once and a while someone else might have something to say. It's sort of a "my side of the story" thing

Review!


	4. Ellie: It's Not OK

I always imagined that when I had a family I would be married to a man that I loved more than I could say. I would have a job, a good steady one with decent if not great pay. We were going to live in the suburbs of Toronto, go to the park, visit grandparents. Do all of the normal things that everyone else does.

That was probably the hardest part of being pregnant at seventeen. It wasn't what I wanted, it wasn't what I had planned for.

There were plenty of other things that made it difficult. I thought telling my mom would be the hardest part. But she took it so well; she was actually happy and excited. I realize now in retrospect that my mother had spent so much time letting me down, and more time thinking about it in rehab. Me being pregnant was her perfect chance to get me to love her again. The perfect chance for us to be a family, for us to be normal.

Nothing was going to be normal about my pregnancy. Trying to finish high school while worrying about the fact that I would soon be a mother was a lot to take on. Despite the way I acted at the time, I really am glad I had Sean there.

He went with me to have my first ultrasound. My mother was less than excited when I asked for Sean to be in the room instead of her. Something about it scared me a lot, I wasn't really ready to see this baby, as soon as I saw its fuzzy image on the screen, then all of it was real. Sean held my hand tight, but not too tight. As soon as the doctor found the baby and pointed it out on the small monitor, I couldn't help but cry.

About a week later Sean walked me home from school, just like he did everyday.

"Do you have a lot of homework tonight?" he asked when we approached the door.

"Uh, no. I think I'm just going to rest tonight."

He leaned forward and kissed my forehead, making my stomach jump slightly, after all, I did miss him, "good, you need it. You want me to come by in the morning to walk you?"

I half-smiled, "thanks, but I think my mom wants to drive me"

"Oh, ok" he said walking backwards down the path, "I'll-I'll see you at school."

I could tell it was breaking his heart that I was shutting him out like this. He wanted to be part of my life, and the baby's life. But I couldn't handle it; I wanted to…no I needed to do it on my own.

I came in and threw my backpack haphazardly on the floor. I walked slowly over to the couch and sat cautiously. My whole body was sore; I was so tired despite the fact that I had been sleeping more than I did before I was pregnant. I laid down and stretched out, feeling all of my joints and muscles relaxing at once. My eyes closed slowly and I melted into the pillows.

"Eleanor!" my mother screamed, making me go rigid, "I'm so glad you're home! Look what came today!" she came in from the kitchen waving an envelope.

She plopped down on the couch next to me. I used what little strength and energy I had left to sit up and join her.

"What is it?" I asked rubbing my eyes

"I'll show you" she said excitedly, she opened the envelope like it was precious gold and pulled out three pictures, "it's the ultrasounds!"

"Oh" I said quietly

"Look Ellie, she looks like a little peanut. Oh! That's what we'll call her! Peanut!" she was flipping through the pictures over and over, her voice getting louder and more excited, "oh listen to me, I keep saying her. It could be a boy after all!"

She jumped up and scurried back to the kitchen.

I sighed and put my head in my hands, I was too exhausted for her craziness, "mom where are you going?"

"I'm putting these on the refrigerator!" she called, "I want everyone to see how cute my little peanut is!"

I couldn't help it I just exploded, "mother!" I yelled

She came hurrying back in, "what is it Eleanor? Is something wrong? Are you alright?"

"No mom I'm not alright, everything is not alright!"

"What's wrong baby?" she came rushing to my side

I threw her arms off of my shoulders, "why are you doing this?"

She looked utterly confused, "what? What am I doing?"

"Why can't you just be like every other mom? Why can't you be disappointed in me for ruining my life? Why can't you force me to marry Sean so that our family won't look bad! Why can't you ground me, or not talk to me at all? This isn't just some new fun thing for us to do together! I'm having a baby mother!"

"Ellie I know that" she said pleading for my forgiveness

I stood angrily, "no! I don't think you do! My entire life is going to be different now! I have to take care of someone else! I have to be the mom now! This is my life, forever! Can't you see that? I'm really scared!"

"Oh Ellie, I'm so sorry," she begged, "I just thought you wanted me to be a cool mom, I thought you needed a friend."

"I don't need a friend!" tears were welling up in my eyes and it was all I could do not to run to my room and make a nice gash on my arm, "I just need a mother! Can't you see that that's the reason I made you get help. I couldn't take care of my mom when she couldn't take care of herself. I need you to take care of me mom, that's all."

She grabbed me into a tight hug, "ok, I'm here now. You don't have to be alone. This is serious, I know. I just…I didn't want to accept it. But I do baby, I do. Everything will be alright."

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I'm so happy everyone likes this story so far…but I'll apologize for this chapter and many to come…I was trying to write 50,000 words, I wasn't thinking a ton


	5. Ellie: Magic Mirror

I think friends are an extremely vital part of a person's life. Your friends are the people you base your life around. It's the opinions of your friends that help you make decisions. They are the people you count on to tell you when your hair doesn't look so great, or when you're acting like a jerk, or when you're the most important person in their life. Friends are sort of like a magic mirror that helps you see who you really are.

Telling my friends about the baby might have been the hardest part of my whole…I guess you can call it an ordeal. Marco took it very well; he was excited for Sean and me. And like I had expected him to, he urged us to stay together.

Ashley however was a different story. I had half expected her to throw her arms around me and promise that she would be there for me through everything, just like she always had been. I wanted to tell her as quickly as possible, so she wouldn't feel out of the loop. So about a week after I had told Sean and straightened things out with my mom, I had invited Ash out for a girl's night. We got all dressed up and saw the latest chick flick down at the mall. We were driving back to my house for a sleepover. The drive was full of girly conversation. Ashley had recently gotten back together with her old boyfriend, Craig. They broke up when we were in grade ten after he cheated on her with a ninth grader named Manny. Manny got pregnant and had an abortion, and Ashley didn't talk to Craig for a long time. But now they were together and happy again, so I sat quietly and listened to her tell me about what cute thing Craig said that day. But to tell the truth I was really starting to miss Sean. He was being wonderful of course, and I was beginning to think that it was my hormones that made me leave. But no matter what, I was just too scared to go back. I had messed up way too bad. The way I marched out of the apartment that day was so final.

Ashley stopped at a stoplight and next to us, on a bench at a bus stop, was a young girl, probably no older than us. She was very pregnant, probably about eight months. A green grocery store smock was waded up on top of her dirty tote bag that sat next to her on the bench. She looked like she had been working all day, and it was already about ten-thirty at night. Her face was empty and sad, something just said that she had no one else in the world.

"That is so sad" Ashley said, turning the other way, "she is probably going to spend the rest of her life working at that grocery store to take care of that baby. I bet she isn't married to the father, and she looks too young to finish high school. God, it really is tragic."

I sunk down in the passenger seat, "yeah it is"

We pulled up to my house and Ashley started gathering up her things, her purse, her keys, and her overnight bag. I picked up my purse and jacket and slid out of the passenger side door. Ashley started to head across the street to my driveway and I stood frozen on the sidewalk.

"Ash?" I choked out, "I need to talk to you about something"

She turned around and her expression changed drastically. It had gone from one of a fun girl's night giggle, to a deeply concerned best friend. I sat down on the curb next to her car. The pavement was cold; I pulled my skirt down farther to cover the back of my legs. Ashley set down all of her stuff on the hood of her maroon sedan that her dad had given her over the summer.

She sat down slowly next to me, and took my hand out of my lap and placed it in hers, "what's going on?" she asked, squeezing my hand, "is it your mom?"

I shook my head, still staring intently at the gutter. A few dry leaves were rolling down along its edge and under my feet.

"Is it Sean?" she was craning her head to try and see my eyes. "Do you miss him? Does he want you back?"

"No, Ash" I kept my eyes focused, "it's much more serious?"

She looked confused, "how much more serious?"

"A lot more" I shifted my weight to see her, our eyes met and my lips started quivering, my stomach felt like it was doing back-flips, the next few words had become the hardest I'd ever say in my life, "I'm pregnant Ash"

She laughed. It was a sort of choked laugh, like if she had been drinking something it would have sprayed all over the street and me. A second later when she saw that I wasn't laughing her expression changed to a very angry one. "You really are?"

I nodded, suddenly ashamed of my actions for the first time. Up until then, everyone I had told was super supportive and almost happy for me. I didn't see anything wrong with what I had done, what I was going to do for the next eighteen or more years of my life.

"Is it Sean's?" she asked

"Of course!" I snapped, "You know I'm not like that"

"Well I thought you weren't," she jabbed, her words actually hurt me. I literally felt a stab right in my side. "I would expect this from Craig and Manny El, but not you" I tried to defend myself, but she just kept on, "did you even use protection? I know Sean isn't the smartest guy in the world but at least he-"

"We did! We did everything a responsible couple should, but it doesn't work one-hundred percent of the time! Dr. Sally certainly drilled that into our heads." I stood up, now I was brave. Braver than I ever had been in my life. I wasn't going to let anyone attack me, or my baby, or especially Sean, "Sure, we should have taken that into consideration before we started having sex but who does really? You and Craig have sex! You use condoms! But do you guys ever sit there and say, 'gee, maybe this won't work.' No! you don't!"

Ashley looked honestly shocked. For the four years that we had been friends I had never stood up to her that way. Now it wasn't often that she berated me, but I was always the shy, tagalong friend.

She stood up and hung her head, she gathered her things off of the car and looked at me, "I'm not going to tell you I'm happy for you ok? But, I'm still going to be your best friend. And I always will."


	6. Sean: Love me again

The nine months between Ellie and I breaking up and the baby coming, were the most confusing of my life.

I wanted to be with Ellie so badly, I wanted her to come back and live with me so that we could be together all the time. I worried about her, and I worried about the baby most of all. Not like I knew anything about being pregnant, and I wouldn't be helping much, but I felt that if I were there, everything would be ok.

I saw her at school a lot fortunately. Everyday I would ask her how she was feeling. Some days she was great and cheery and smiling. Other days she would cry and cry and latch onto me. She often got so inconsolable that we would leave school and she would go cry on my couch. Some days she hated me and didn't want me around at all. And a few days, the most painful that I can remember, she seemed to love me again.

One of the most memorable was right after Christmas holiday. Ellie was almost six months pregnant then. She was starting to show a lot more and by then most of the school had found out. It was pretty hard on her I know, to have people looking at you in the hall, people that didn't know your name just calling you "the pregnant girl."

I walked into the building and embraced the warm air of the halls of Degrassi. The walk from my house to school in the winter was never a fun one. I needed a car, in the worst way. Mr. El had been giving me a little bit of money here and there for doing odd jobs for him. My savings were pretty decent, but I definitely needed a real job. I had to tell Mr. El about the baby, he kept sponsoring me though. I almost lost my welfare, but he fought for me to prove that I was a good kid and I was going to stay in school.

When I turned the corner into the main hall, I expected Ellie to be at her locker talking to Ashley, and I was right. Except for the fact that she was alone, carefully taking her books out of her locker and trading them with a few in her backpack.

I approached her as casually as I could, trying to downplay how excited I was to see her after almost a month. "Can I help you with that?" I asked charmingly

She smiled in a shy way, "sure"

I took her books from her and asked, "which way are you headed?"

She pointed down the hall, "English, remember?"

Of course I did, I knew her whole schedule forward and backward, but I had to talk to her, I needed to have something to say so she would stay talking to me. We began to walk down toward her English class.

I looked over at her; she was smiling a shy little smile and tucking her hair behind her ear. She was wearing a maroon sweater that hugged her body perfectly. Even her baby bump that was now growing more and more by the day was in plain sight for everyone to see. She wasn't ashamed; I always respected her for that. People weren't always nice about it, but she kept her game face on.

"So, how was your holiday?" I asked

"Well, it was alright. I saw a lot of my family for the first time since…well, you know. So that was a little bit hard sometimes," she turned her face toward me, "I really missed you."

I shyly looked down at the floor where I was walking. "Yeah, I missed you too. I was pretty lonely, just sitting around the house all day."

"That doesn't sound very fun" she said

I turned toward her, "it wasn't"

As we continued to walk I felt her hand brush against mine several times. I assumed it was an accident and tried to forget it. But then I felt her reach out and grab my hand. She laced her fingers through mine just like she did when we were together, and it sent this jolt through my whole body. I really missed how lovingly she did everything, even something as simple as holding my hand. You could tell by the way her palm gently touched mine that she did care, she really did care about me…about us.

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just a little shortie…I'll put the next chap up later today…things will get good soon I promise


	7. Ellie: Not Good Enough

The first day back from Christmas break that year is a very memorable one. When I saw Sean that morning, something inside me just made me cling to him. I had missed him a significant amount over the holiday. My mom's whole family lives over in West Vancouver. So I had to take a long plane ride that made me very nauseous. When we got there to see my family, my grandmother cried when she saw me. My aunt Eleanor, the one my mom named me after, wouldn't even look me in the eye. It was a horribly awkward Christmas, especially when my cousin asked me where the baby's father was.

Being back at Degrassi was such a relief. So that day I just didn't want to leave Sean's side. We were standing at the front of the school, inside of course. It was way too cold to stand out on the steps. We were talking and laughing about things just like we used to, and it felt good…it felt natural. My mom pulled up and Sean graciously walked me out to the car. I hopped up in the front seat and my mom got ready to pull away. I saw Sean standing next to the car, his bandana and hood on his head, with his hands in his pockets, and I just couldn't leave him.

"Mom, can Sean come over for dinner?" I asked

She smiled politely, "well, I don't see why not"

I grinned, my mom wasn't always the nicest toward Sean, but I wanted to change that. I was falling for him again and I needed him to be with us.

The whole ride home I kept looking into the back seat at Sean. I would turn around quickly and giggle. I realized I was acting like a twelve-year-old but I couldn't help it. Something was coming over me that I couldn't really understand.

At my house Sean and I sat on the couch and watched TV. He kept slipping his fingers through mine and I wouldn't push him away. We were giggling and talking like we had never even been through all we did. It was like these two teenagers on their first date.

When dinner was ready we sat down at the table, Sean and I next to each other of course. He kept his hand on my knee under the table, and it made me feel really warm inside.

I looked over at my mom who had a strange look on her face. It wasn't an angry look, or a happy one either. It was a confused look, she looked like she couldn't decided whether or not she liked Sean. And I had a feeling that she was going to figure it out her own way.

"So Sean," she asked, "what do you parents think of all this?"

"Oh, I don't talk to my parents" Sean said uncomfortably, looking at his plate.

"Well I knew you lived on your own because they kicked you out, but I didn't know you didn't speak." She said wickedly

I shot her a look of anger and disgust, but she kept on

"What do you do for money Sean?" she poked

"Well, I'm on student welfare. But I do odd jobs for my sponsor a lot" he kept his eyes away from her; I could tell that his pride was hurt, and I wanted to say something. But I knew he'd be angrier if I stood up for him

"Are you planning on getting a real job?" she asked condescendingly

"Yes ma'am" he looked at her this time, "I'm looking for one now"

My mom laughed and muttered something under her breath that I didn't understand. I threw my napkin on the table, "mom, can I talk to you in the kitchen?"

Sean grabbed my arm, "El, don't worry about it"

"No Sean," I said, "this is between me and her"

We both marched into the kitchen and stood on opposite sides, arms folded, eyes intently on each other, "what was that about?"

"He isn't good enough for you Eleanor!" she shouted

"And why not mom? Because he's 'poor'?" I yelled, "That isn't important! Sean cares about me!"

She walked toward me, "oh and you think that his love and support is going to feed this baby? Because I'll tell you right now, it isn't"

I sighed, "Mom, please. Can we just go back in there, and have a nice dinner?"

She huffed back into the dining room, and we found Sean's place empty. His bag wasn't next to the couch and the front door was unlocked.

"Are you happy now mom?" I shouted

She sat down and took a bite, "yes, I am"


	8. Sean: Glad I'm Here

You know those moments in your life that you know you'll never forget even if you try? Sometimes they're wonderful moments, and when they slip into your mind you just feel better inside. You feel the same way you did at that moment, no matter what else is going on. But other times, the not so wonderful moments that flood your memory with darkness and hurt. They are awful memories that sting to the core.

The day my parents sent me away was definitely one of the worst memories I have. Tracker and I packed up all we had, which wasn't much. Tracker had taken my bags first and headed to the car. I took a look around our damp, dirty trailer. The only feelings it brought were of pain. I hated that place, I hated everything about it, and the last thirteen years of my life were spent in misery there. My father was holding the front door open. I walked up to him, "bye dad" I said almost inaudibly. He looked at me, shook his head, and looked back toward the street. I hated him, more than I could even say. My mom was hugging Tracker as hard as she could, apologizing to him for my behavior, and that he had to be punished for it. He was the one that dropped out of high school and wanted to go to Toronto, not me. I put my last bag in the trunk and my mom let go of Tracker. She put her hand on her cheek and rested her elbow on her other arm, "oh Sean" she said, shaking her head. And that was the last time I saw my parents.

But I do have a good memory, a really good one. I'll never forget that it was a Wednesday. I had a pretty awful day at school that day. Ellie and I got in a disagreement about me wanting her to wear a sweater home. She said she was warm, I said the wind-chill was too high for her to be walking around outside in short sleeves. I had bombed my science test, I tried really hard to study, but I was worried about the baby. It would be here any day, and it was just too much to think about.

I came home and collapsed on the couch. I remember I had a dream about the baby, I could hear it crying, but I couldn't find it. I was so upset, wandering around; the crying was just getting louder and more desperate. I woke up suddenly at nine-thirty, the phone was ringing. I jumped up and answered it quickly, "hello," I said trying my best not to sound like I had just woken up.

"Sean!" the voice said, "it's Craig! I've been calling you for like thirty minutes!" he sounded really upset

"Sorry, I was sleeping," I mumbled, "what's going on?" I rubbed my eyes

"It's Ellie man! She's in labor!"

I nearly dropped the phone, "what!" I felt my breathing get off whack, "how long? Is she alright?"

"Uh, as far as I know, her water broke after school"

School ended almost five hours before, "why didn't anyone call me?" I was starting to get angry now

"Ellie told Mrs. Nash to call everyone, she didn't call you…I think on purpose. I noticed you weren't here, I thought I'd call you. Ash says she's been asking for you."

As angry as I was at Mrs. Nash for being the biggest bitch of all time, I needed to be stable for Ellie, "Craig, can you come get me?" I squeaked out, my emotions were really getting the best of me.

"Yeah, I'll be right there"

The twenty-three and a half minutes before Craig got to me were the longest of my entire life. I paced restlessly around the apartment. A million things were racing through my mind at once. Was Ellie ok? Did she really want me there, or did Craig make that up? Why would her evil whore of a mother not call me? Was the baby going to be all right? Did they give Ellie anything for the pain? Would she even take something for the pain?

When I heard Craig pull up in the driveway I bolted. I didn't even give him a chance to get out and knock. I don't think I locked the door or turned lights off. I had to be with Ellie, right then.

We got to the hospital and Craig and I walked in together. The automatic doors opened and a rush of air-conditioned hospital smell came bursting out towards us. I danced impatiently in the elevator up to the maternity ward. We went past the nurses station, doctors were reading charts, one woman was answering phones, and two nurses were writing in curly letters, "welcome baby Phillips!" on a dry-erase board with a bright blue marker. It was at the bottom of a long list of names, all dated from that day. Pretty soon my baby's name was going to be on that board…it was all getting way too real.

In the waiting area I saw Ashley in the corner, she had a magazine up to her face and her leg was jittering on the table in front of her. Marco was next to her, leaning his head on his hand, staring at the wall. When he saw us approaching his face lit up, "Sean! You're here!"

Ashley dropped the magazine into her lap, "oh thank God, Ellie's been screaming for you for hours"

I hated to think of her needing me and me not being there at all. I was so pissed at Mrs. Nash I could spit, but I had to stay calm for Ellie. "Where is she?" I asked looking around anxiously.

"She's just down the hall," Ashley told me, "but you have to check in at the nurse's station."

I whipped around as quickly as I could and went to the little green counter surrounding the nurses' station. There was a plump woman with red hair sorting files a few feet away, "excuse me" I said politely, despite my anger and excitement…and the million other emotions I was experiencing

"Just a minute" she said, continuing her task

I tapped my foot restlessly and gently beat my fists on the counter. I was gnawing on my lip, I wanted to just run down the hall and check every room until I found her. Finally the nurse turned around just as I was contemplating my scheme, "can I help you?" she asked with a big smile, there was lipstick on her front teeth.

"Yes" I almost burst out, "I'm here to see Ellie Nash"

"I'm sorry," she said frowning, "she only wants family to see her right now."

"But I'm the father!" I yelled, louder than I wanted. I was just too frazzled and frustrated for all this.

She raised her eyebrows and laughed, "So you're Sean! Come this way" she scooted over and lifted the counter to walk through. I followed her down the hallway; the screams of women and babies echoed through the hall and to be honest, gave me the heebie jeebies.

The nurse touched a door on the right, "here she is" she smiled, "holler if you need anything"

She went back toward the nurses' station, leaving me standing in front of the door. I was suddenly too scared to go in. I wanted to be there, to hold Ellie's hand. But I was scared, more scared than I could ever say. There was just too much that could go wrong. What if she really didn't want me there? After a few seconds of struggle, a burst of courage pushed me through the door.

When I entered the room, it was much smaller than I thought it would be. It was very dark, all the lights were off except for one small lamp by the window. Ellie was in the bed in the center along the wall. She was asleep, her face toward the window. The dim lighting lit her gorgeous features perfectly. I approached slowly, "Ellie? El, it's Sean."

I walked up to the left side of the bed and touched her hand gently. She stirred and opened her eyes slowly. When they adjusted and she recognized me, her face lit up, "Sean" she whispered, "you finally came."

I had a feeling she didn't know what her mom had done, but I wasn't about to bring it up, "yeah, I'm so sorry. I guess I'm hard to get a hold of." I patted her hand, "how you feeling?"

She rolled her eyes, "is that a serious question?"

I smiled, "you need anything? Did they give you something for the pain?"

She shook her head; "no, I didn't want it" I laughed inwardly, figures. She laid her head back against the pillows and looked at me, "I'm really glad you're here Sean," she laced her fingers through mine

"Yeah, me too" I lifted my free hand to brush her hair out of her face. I looked deep into her big green eyes, and I saw her. The real Ellie, the girl I had fallen in love with.

As soon as this sweet moment had begun to blossom the door flew open and Mrs. Nash walked in holding a cup of coffee. She stopped dead in the doorway when she saw me standing at Ellie's bedside, holding her hand.

She scrunched her face in a disapproving manner. "Eleanor, why is he here?" she put a disgusted emphasis on the word 'he'.

"Mom, I want him here" Ellie stated firmly

Mrs. Nash set her coffee on the small bedside table, and then pushed past me to get to Ellie's side. Just then, Ellie had a contraction and Mrs. Nash clutched her hand and soothed her, leaving me standing awkwardly against the windows. For the next few minutes nurses and doctors came in and out checking Ellie's blood pressure, and the babies heart rate. I felt horribly uncomfortable when the doctor checked to see how dilated her cervix she was. I actually turned around to face the slatted blinds, I felt like I shouldn't be in the room anymore. I started to zone out when things got super busy. It was really overwhelming, and I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing.

I snapped out of it when I heard Ellie screaming my name. When I looked around I realized there were a lot more people in the room than before. Ellie was propped up differently and there were doctors and nurses surrounding her, putting on masks and gloves. Ellie's face was turned toward me, she looked very frightened and worried, and she was extending her arm toward me and whining my name. Instinct took over and I rushed to her and took her hand. Despite all the panic in my stomach and the voices in my head screaming, "I'm not ready for this!" I stayed right next to her.

Exactly seventy-two minutes later I heard a sound that would change the way I saw life forever, my daughter crying for the first time. She was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen, even covered in goo and kind of alienish. The nurses took her away to get her all cleaned off and foot printed. Ellie looked up at me and smiled the biggest smile I have ever seen. I squeezed her hand and smiled back. Before I realized what was going on, Ellie leaned up and kissed me. There was nothing sexy or overly passionate about the kiss. It was just sincere and loving. When she pulled away I'm sure the only word to describe my face was stunned. She reached her hand up and placed it on my cheek. "I'm so glad you were here," she whispered

"So am I"

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I'm loving all the great reviews...thanks.

This story is about to get turned upside-down...so review!


	9. Ellie: Keep it to Yourself

Friday morning I was sitting, well more like squirming on the edge of my hospital bed, my mom was in the corner packing all my things. I sat, swinging my legs back and forth, staring anxiously at the door. I couldn't wait to get out of this place. I had been staring at those same ugly turquoise walls for days. I wanted to be at my house in my bed, with my baby.

I saw the nurse come around the corner and into my room, wheeling a clear baby bed. There was a pink index card taped to the front that read "Nash, Grace Elizabeth" in black permanent marker. She brought it right in front of me. I looked down at my baby girl; she was wearing a white baby onesie, with long sleeves that were sewed shut at the end to keep her from scratching her fragile little face. Under a pink beanie, the brightest blue eyes were peeking out. They were Sean's eyes, she looked so much like him.

I reached into the bassinet and grabbed her tiny hand. She looked at me and her eyes got wide. All the baby books said that she wouldn't be able to recognize me for a little while longer. But when I looked at those big blue eyes, I felt something, a deep connection that would never break. People always talk about this deep love between parents and their children. I never understood it until that moment. I loved this tiny person more than I could ever explain to someone else. I could tell that Sean felt it too. Whenever they would bring her in for us to see her, and the two of us would just stand over her, there was a bond that nothing could ever break.

Sean entered the room right after the nurse brought Grace in. He was standing in the doorway with a wheelchair, smiling his little Sean grin. He leaned on the handles, "you ready to go mommy?"

I giggled shyly, there was something very sweet and unreal about the way he said that. I certainly didn't feel like anyone's mommy. My own mother grabbed my bag and pushed past Sean. "I'll be waiting with the car," she grumbled

I looked down and Grace and shook her tiny hand, "I promise I'll be nice to your boyfriends" I told her. When I realized that I had practically referred to Sean as my boyfriend, I was very embarrassed. We definitely hadn't taken the time to define our relationship. Then I was afraid that he would get upset or angry, I had no idea how he felt about me these days, and everything was so back and forth with us.

My fears were calmed when Sean appeared at my side, "I don't know about her Gracie, but I won't be very nice" he smirked, "you aren't dating 'til you're forty"

I laughed, "Slow down Sean, she's two days old!"

"We've got to set some ground rules El" he raised his eyebrows in a charming way

The nurse who brought Grace in was giggling, "you kids ready to go home now?"

"Yes please!" I begged

Sean wheeled the wheelchair to the bed and helped me down into it. The nurse wrapped up Grace in a blanket and carefully placed her in my arms. She squirmed a little at first, making me tense up. This mom thing was so nerve wrecking, she was just too fragile, I didn't want to break her or mess her up for life. And then I remembered that she fed off of my mood, so if I calmed down, she would too. So I took a deep breath and Grace instantly relaxed and settled into my arms.

"Ready?" Sean asked, grabbing the back of the chair

"Yeah" I nodded, "let's go home"

When we got back to my house my mom excitedly jumped out of the car, camera in hand. It weirded me out how she went back and forth from the spiteful Sean hating mom, to super happy excited grandma in no time at all.

Sean helped me out of the car, and then carefully took the baby carrier out of its dock in my mom's suburban. My mom was standing at the front door snapping away as we came up the front walk.

"Stop!" she yelled

Sean and me stopped dead where we were.

"Ok these are bad pictures, we have to try this again"

"Mom, I'm exhausted I just want to lie down"

"Eleanor, don't argue with me, go back," she snapped

I sighed and went to the end of the walk.

"Ok, now Sean please take the hood off, you look like a ragamuffin. Eleanor, stand next to Sean." She looked through the lens, "this isn't right. Sean put the carrier down and take Grace out, Ellie hold her on the walk."

Sean's lips were pursed together tightly, I could tell it was all he could do but punch my mom right in the face. He set the carrier in the grass and knelt down to unbuckle Gracie. He lifted her out and handed her to me. I couldn't help but smile when I saw how the second that he had her in his arms he calmed down instantly, into a kind, gentle…daddy. He stood and flipped his gray sweatshirt hood off of his head, revealing his usual blue bandana. I moved the blanket out of Grace's face, and angled her toward my mom.

"How's this?" I asked in an exasperated tone.

She put her hand on her hip, "the bandana still looks-"

"Mother!" I barked, making Grace tense up

She lifted her hand in surrender, "alright, smile guys!"

Sean and I faked our best smiles. We were two unwed teenagers bringing our illegitimate child home from the hospital. My mom was snapping pictures like it was the senior prom. I was so angry with her I could spit. But I tried my hardest to keep breathing and stay calm.

When we got into the house, Sean and I both headed for my bedroom. The week before Sean had put together all of the baby furniture, but we had to see how it would look with a baby in it. I carefully set Grace down in the bassinet that was against the wall right next to my bed.

I laid Grace down in it and refolded her blankets tighter. She yawned and closed her eyes. Sean and I watched her intently while she fell asleep. Every once in awhile I would catch a glimpse of him staring at her. The look in his eyes was indescribable. There was a love and fascination in his gaze that I had never seen before. It made my stomach knot up.

When I was in the hospital on Thursday afternoon, my mom had gone to work and I asked one of the nurses to pick me up a magazine from the gift shop. A bridal magazine to be perfectly honest. I flipped through it for what seemed like hours, fixing my eyes on the beautiful gowns, the rings, the honeymoon spots. Everyone in the pictures looked so happy, and they certainly didn't have babies to worry about.

Although I would keep it with me until I die, I wanted to marry Sean. I wanted us to have our own little house with a cute nursery for our baby. I wanted a real place for our family to live and to grow. It wasn't just because we had a baby together, because that was going to bind us for life no matter what. It was because he carried my books to school. It was because he always held my hand even when I didn't want him to. It was because he put up with my mother, even when she refused to let Grace have his last name, even as a middle name. It was because he called me mommy. In my deepest of hearts I still loved Sean Cameron with all of my being.

But that was my secret, and I wouldn't dare let him know it.

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this was one of my favorite chapters...

the story gets good from here on, i promise


	10. Sean: Extenuating Circumstances

Just four days after my gorgeous daughter was born, I was back at school. I was running on only about 4 hours of sleep the first Monday I came back. Ellie and I had worked out a schedule so that we could both sleep and Grace would always be taken care of. It also meant that I could go to school and Ellie's mom could go to work. But I had to give up my social life entirely; I had to be at Ellie's right after school. To be honest I didn't really mind, because it helped the school day along, knowing that I was going to get to see my daughter after school. It was also a good feeling being responsible, to be a good dad and help out Ellie and her mom. I was walking up and down the halls groggily; trying desperately to remember what class I was supposed to be at.

I slept through English, which was a bad idea. I tried so hard to stay awake, I really did but it was the teacher's fault for putting a movie on. When the classroom is all dark and some boring voiceover guy is droning on about some author while they show random pictures and paintings, it's just too hard.

Ellie would get to come back to school in three weeks and until then do online correspondence with her teachers so that she could graduate with everyone else. She had worked too hard throughout the year to lose it all now. They said they were making an exception because of her "extenuating circumstances." I had extenuating circumstances too! But they didn't side with me, Raditch said I should have been more responsible in the first place and I had schoolwork to do. It was probably the only time I truly envied Ellie for being a pregnant teen.

Well, since I had slept through English I was awarded a lovely detention.

"You will have to stay after school for an hour and write me a paper on why it is important to stay awake in class" the teacher explained

I groaned, I had a Gracie shift after school; Mrs. Nash was going to kill me. "I can't stay after school!" I whined

"That isn't my problem Mr. Cameron. You should've thought of that before you decided that my class time was your nap time."

"Can I at least go to the office and call my…" I was about to say girlfriend, but it didn't seem like the right word, I racked my brain a moment, "my daughter's mom. I have to tell her I'll be late."

The teacher snickered a little, and then wrote me a pass. I absolutely hated teachers like that, the ones that rejoice in the failure and pathetic lives of their less successful students.

I walked up to the front office with my head hung a little low, my little pink pass crumpled into a ball in my fist. Sure I wasn't proud of what I did. I didn't like being a teen dad who could barely get along with his baby's mother. But every time I looked into that little girl's eyes, I was the proudest guy in the world.

When I reached the front office, there was already someone on the student phone. I sat down in one of the ridged blue plastic chairs against the glass wall. The school's receptionist was popping her gum obnoxiously behind the counter, she was typing away furiously at the keyboard. I was busy staring at my shoe, there was something black and sticky on the bottom, but I wasn't going to try and see what it was. Then I heard, "Sean?"

My head jerked up swiftly, coming out of Raditch's office was a tall, drop-dead gorgeous blonde. It took my tired brain a moment to process, but I quickly realized it was Emma. She had certainly changed a lot. She didn't look like the gawky girl I'd fallen head over heels for when I was thirteen; she looked like a woman. To be completely honest she looked like a supermodel. Her hair was the perfect shade of blonde, curled lightly at the ends, bouncing on her thin shoulders. Her figure was slender, but with the perfect amount of curves, in the perfect places. I couldn't understand why I hadn't noticed what a goddess she'd become. Was I too busy with Ellie and the baby? Or had I just not seen her in two years?

"Hey Emma" I managed out, I was really taken aback by this change in her, "what are you doing here?"

"Oh I was just organizing an AIDS benefit with Mr. Raditch," she hadn't changed much after all, still trying to save the world. She used the stack of papers in her hand to gesture back toward Raditch's office. "We're having a dance-a-thon. Where people pledge money for AIDS research depending on how many straight hours everyone dances…" she smiled when she realized she was rambling, she slipped into a chair next to me, "sorry, how are you doing?"

"I'm really tired actually" I sighed, "I've been up all night, every few hours to-"

Her eyes got wide, "oh my gosh!" she cut me off, "the baby! Did Ellie have the baby?"

So everyone at Degrassi really did know about Ellie and the baby, "yeah, on Wednesday night, or Thursday morning I guess…a little girl. Her name is Grace."

Emma sighed dreamily, "Oh that's a beautiful name! Congratulations Sean" she smiled and wrapped her arms around me, I was a little stunned by the gesture and awkwardly returned the hug

"So," she folded her hands in her lap and leaned a little closer to me, making it more of a conversation between friends instead of awkward small talk, "how are you and Ellie doing?"

"I don't know actually," I turned more toward her, "she's doing this weird I hate you/I love you thing. Every day it's something different, I just don't get it anymore. It's like-" I became conscious that I was suddenly opening up to someone I hadn't spoken to in years about something I didn't even think about with myself that often. I remembered that the way she was so easy to talk to, and that I opened up to her so easily was one of the reasons I had fallen for her all that time ago. I laughed, embarrassed, "I'm sorry"

"No Sean, it's fine." She put her hand on my shoulder, "you can talk to me. About whatever you want, I promise it's fine. I probably owe you for all that environment talk I jabbered in your ear back in junior high. So tell me all about this little girl of yours." She leaned on the armchair with her hand under her arm, perfect listening position.

"You mean you aren't going to tell me about what a screw up I am. And that we should've given the baby up like everyone else does?" I raised my eyebrows, staring at the floor.

She sat back, "first of all Sean, I don't know if you forgot that I'm the result of a teen pregnancy. I'm very proud of you and Ellie for being grown-ups about this and accepting your responsibility," her voice softened and she leaned in to see my eyes. And second of all, I know you aren't a screw up Sean. I always saw past that 'bad boy' thing, remember?"

I looked up at her and my stomach sank, in a good way. She did remember, everything about me. She still knew just how to get me. I looked away toward the student phone. The kid that had been there before was gone. I held up my crinkled pink note, "I have to call Ellie," I started to mumble, and avoid her eyes, "I got detention for sleeping in English, I have to tell her I'll be late."

Emma stood, "ok, well have fun" she smiled sweetly, "I hope I see you soon Sean"

"Yeah, see you" I muttered

And I watched her walk out of the office and down the hallway, her golden hair bouncing as she walked, a little confused by the feelings rushing through me…but I wasn't about to push them away.

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Later that day, after I had served my time in detention I went over to Ellie's. She greeted me with a smile at the door. She didn't look so hot, she had bags under her eyes, and I could tell she hadn't washed her hair in a few days. Over Ellie's shoulder I saw Mrs. Nash in the kitchen, throwing her purse over her shoulder and scooping her keys off of the counter. I entered the living room and Ellie silently closed the door. Mrs. Nash came rushing out of the kitchen and shot me a nasty look.

"Well I'm off to work" she said quietly, with a harsh tone, "an hour late" she slipped in as she opened the door to the garage.

"Mom, Sean got here as soon as he could, it isn't his fault. He was tired"

"We're all tired Eleanor," she mumbled as she stormed out the door.

Ellie smiled at me, "sorry about her"

I shoved my hands in my pockets, "no, its fine. I really feel bad about this."

"Don't, it's all right." She placed her hand on my shoulder, "I'm going to go take a nap. Gracie just went down, so she should be fine for at least an hour. There's formula in the fridge if she gets hungry and-"

I stopped her, "Ellie, I know the drill," I put my hands on her back and gave her a nudge toward her bedroom, "go to sleep"

"Yeah, ok" she started down the hallway and I followed her, "I'm gonna sleep in moms bed, so I don't wake Gracie up."

We entered her mom's room. Tiptoeing around on the soft beige carpet. She sat heavily on the bed

"That's cool, whatever you want to do Ellie, I'm fine with it," I told her as she slipped under her mom's floral print covers

She settled into the pillows and I straightened the sheets around her, "how was school?" she asked with a yawn, "anything exciting happen?"

The first image that shot to my mind was Emma, but I couldn't mention any of that to Ellie, or anyone. It was still confusing to me. I leaned down and kissed Ellie's forehead, "nope, just a regular old day"


	11. Ellie: You and Me

You know those things that you spend your whole childhood wishing would just come? Things like loosing your baby teeth, or going to the prom. They're these almost unattainable things that seem like they take forever to show up. The one I always treasured was graduation. It was this ceremonial thing that was so important for some reason that no one could really define. All through high school it seemed like graduation would never come. But mine really snuck up on me.

Graduation day was such a big deal. It was going to be the first time I would see a lot of people since Grace was born. My mom bought me a new black dress. It was very simple, knee-length, but really pretty. I had thankfully lost almost all my baby weight, and thanks to sleeping better my complexion was not so pale and tired. Sean came over at about eleven on that Sunday afternoon to help me with Grace so I could get ready. He was dressed in a nice pair of pants and a blue polo shirt, to be honest I was quite impressed. He put her in this little pink spring dress and lacy booties my mom had bought. I wasn't a big fan of her looking so prissy, and Sean wasn't either. But my mom had picked it out and her opinion was apparently the most important. Grace was almost five weeks old, and it amazed me how much she grew every day. She responded to my voice now, and I thought that was the most special, amazing thing. She knew who I was, and I just loved that.

We set off for Degrassi at one-thirty; me with my cap and gown folded carefully in my arms, my mom with her video camera and Kleenex, and Sean, all dressed up with Grace in her baby carrier. At the school everyone was bustling around, I had to go to the cafeteria to get in my place, which left poor Sean to go sit with my mother. Sean told me later that she had snatched Grace's carrier from him and walked proudly from parent to parent introducing her lovely granddaughter. Sean took her back right before it started and sat toward the back of the gym in case he had to slip out with her.

Then, at two o'clock all of the Degrassi class of 2006 started filing into the gym. The obscene amount of cameras that were flashing was kind of insane. I sat patiently through Marco's speech about everyone going on to bigger and better things. All of my friends were going off to great universities, to make something of themselves. And I was going back to my house, to live with my mother, and try to be one at the same time. It was the first time I was actually disappointed in myself. I wanted to go to university, I always had. But right now it just wasn't an option.

When Mr. Raditch finally called my name I wasn't sure how to feel. But I smiled and walked across the stage, he handed me my diploma and I looked out at the crowd. Toward the front my mom was standing near Ashley's mom, both of them taking pictures furiously. But back toward the doors I saw Sean, leaning against the back wall, with Grace gently over his left shoulder. He smiled at me, and for that split second I was really proud of myself. I was a teen mom, and I was graduating high school. I had done something that a lot of girls in my situation didn't do.

Afterwards everyone mingled in the gym a while. Sean got bum rushed by all my friends, and people I don't necessarily like who wanted to see the baby. I got caught talking to Ashley's mom, she told me she missed me and asked me all about being a mommy. Ash's mom was such a wonderful lady. She supported Ashley through everything and had been through so much herself. She was very inspirational, and the kind of mom that I hoped I would become. Paige Michalchuck tapped my shoulder and told me that I had the most beautiful kid she had ever seen. And once again, I was very proud.

I made my way to the back of the gym where Sean had been standing, and I saw Emma Nelson standing next to him. She was cooing over grace with her hand resting on Sean's shoulder. I felt a surge of jealousy rush through my body; I hated her at that moment. And I can't even remember talking to the girl even once in my life. Maybe it was because she had a past with Sean, and something always had told me that he loved her most. That he always would, no matter what. Although Sean didn't really belong to me anymore, she just wasn't allowed to touch him like that. I walked quickly toward them, sporting my best smile.

"Hey, Ellie! You have the most beautiful little girl ever." Emma smiled

I walked to Sean's side, "Thanks," I smiled, then I turned to Sean, "hey" I kissed him right on the lips. Then I slipped my arm through his, smiling naturally.

His eyes were wide, and he looked very confused. He kept his face toward me and I looked over at Emma.

She raised her eyebrows and smiled playfully, "I'll leave you guys alone, congrats!"

And then she disappeared into the crowd. I looked at Sean, and the look in his eyes told me he wasn't happy. "What the hell was that?"

"What?" I acted completely innocent

He scoffed, "you're jealous that I was talking to Emma aren't you?"

"I am not" I turned the other way, and picked the baby carrier up off the ground, "you ready to go?"

I started toward the door but Sean caught my arm with his free hand. "No, we really need to talk El."

Just then, Grace started squirming in Sean's arms. I could tell from the sounds of her initial whines that she was about to start screaming. I shoved the empty carrier in Sean's free hand and took her from him, "she's hungry, and needs to go to sleep. Go find my mom, I'll be at the car" I said walking toward the door, gently bouncing Grace in my arms.

"We're not done Ellie" he said, and I continued walking, "we're talking when you get home!" he called after me

On the car ride home, I tried to stay busy with Grace so that I wouldn't have to look at Sean. I couldn't possible explain what I had done back in the gym. Or more importantly what I had been doing for almost ten months.

When we finally got back to the house, after what felt like a million years, I made a b-line for the kitchen to make a bottle for Grace. My mom went right back out to the drugstore to get the pictures from that day developed as soon as she possibly could. And Sean just sat patiently on the couch, waiting to talk to me. I admired his persistence; he sat perfectly relaxed for almost two hours while I kept finding things to do, even after I had put Grace to bed.

After I had loaded the dishwasher the second time, I was getting annoyed with myself. I did need to talk to Sean, and he was going to talk to me no matter how long I avoided him. I stood in the doorway between the kitchen and the living room, wiping my damp hands with a dishrag. Sean was sitting at the end of the couch, his arm around the back of it. He patted his hand on the cushion next to him, I sighed and tossed the rag on the counter, then crossed through the living room to replace Sean's hand with my behind.

"Ok, what?" I asked, sounding annoyed

He turned his head toward me, "Ellie, what is going on with us?" his voice was genuine and sweet

I turned away and shrugged, "I don't know"

"I know, it's weird because of Grace and all," he began, "but if she wasn't around, would we still speak to each other?"

"That isn't fair Sean" I pleaded, "I don't know what would have happened, things change!"

"Fine then," he got serious, "do you have feelings for me Ellie?"

"Of course I do, you're the father of my child!"

"No," he stopped me, "that isn't part of it. Do you want to be with me? Do you want to be an "us" again?"

I stared at him a moment, unable to gather my thoughts. I really didn't know how I felt about Sean, I couldn't be sure. The baby had messed it all up, I was confusing feelings that I had for Sean and feelings I had for my daughter's father.

"I can't do this Sean, I just…" I jumped up off the couch and hurried back to my room. I shut the door behind me and saw my beautiful little girl sleeping peacefully in the corner of the room. I had really done it now, there wasn't a way I was going to get Sean back in my life, in a romantic sense again. I did have feelings for him, I just couldn't tell if they were the right ones. I tiptoed over to the bassinet and reached in to touch her tiny face. Tears began welling up in my eyes, "well baby, it looks like it's just us now"

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A/N: alrighty, time to clear some things up. I've gotten a lot of reviews wondering about what ship this story will be sailing on.

I personally have no commitment to either Sellie or Semma…I am only committed to Sean

When I first wrote this story it was only going to be about Sean, but then I figured that Ellie would need some say too

Regardless, I promise this is a good story, and the die-hard Sellie fans need to keep reading…this story is going somewhere I don't think any of you suspect

Review if you still love me


	12. Sean: Steppin Out

"It's perfect" I said excitedly, "I mean it's not exactly a dream, but it works. I can afford it, and that's pretty much the only criteria I have"

"You sure?" Joey Jeremiah, owner of Jeremiah Motors and Craig's step dad said

I looked at the car one more time. It was a dark green, two-door sedan. It was manual and it didn't have power windows or locks. It smelled a little like a grandma and one of the hubcaps didn't match. But it was all I could afford after saving up most of the year from my odd jobs around town. Since school had ended I got a real job at a garage that wasn't far from my house. I only got to do simple things like oil changes, but I was very grateful for the opportunity. My boss, Greg, was an old friend of Mr. El's, that's how I got the job. He was really understanding of my whole situation with Ellie and the baby.

I looked back at Joey and nodded, "yeah, I'll take it"

"Great!" he smiled, "I'll go get the keys and your paperwork!" and he ran off toward the office.

As I was walking around the car to give it another good look I jumped when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I bolted around, ready to start swinging my fists.

"So you're buying a car," Craig laughed

I took a deep breath to try and calm down quickly, "hey man" I smiled and hugged my friend whom I hadn't seen in almost a month. "What are you doing here?"

Craig shoved his hands back in his pockets; "oh I was just hungry so I came by to bum some money off of Joey for lunch." I laughed

"You meeting Ash or something?" I asked

"Oh, no just craving a burger…hey, you wanna come with? I haven't seen you all summer"

"I would," I told him, "but I'm in the middle of buying a car" I motioned to the car behind me

"Oh don't worry about that" Craig said walking toward the office, "I'll get money from Joey and tell him you'll be back in about an hour or so"

I laughed and shook my head; Craig was definitely one of my favorite people in the world.

Craig and I walked into the Dot grill, a little hang out right near Degrassi. We sat in the booth in the corner and Spinner Mason, an old friend from High School walked up to take our orders.

"Hey Craig," Spinner said, and then he noticed me, "oh! Hey daddy, shouldn't you be changing diapers?" he smirked. Spin was always pretty bad at cracking jokes that didn't involve him farting or something else obscene.

"Hey Spinner" I said normally, completely ignoring his horrible attempt at a joke, "I'll have a grilled cheese and fries, with a chocolate milkshake" I handed my menu to him. The Dot supposedly had the best burgers in town, but I'd never had one. I became a vegetarian when I was eleven. That summer my mom ran off for two months so my uncle took Tracker and I to his cattle ranch. After seeing all the slaughter, I just couldn't stand to eat meat again.

Spinner shook his head and took the menu, then nodded to Craig, "and you?"

"Um, I'll have a double cheeseburger with onion rings and a root beer"

"Ok, coming right up" Spin smirked and headed toward the kitchen.

Craig leaned forward on the table, "so Sean my boy, how's summer been treating you?"

I tilted back in the booth, "alright I guess," I shrugged, "I've been working a lot. I got an apprenticeship at that garage over on Cavanaugh." I motioned out the window toward the part of town where the garage was, "I'm working toward certification, so I can get paid better when I graduate." I explained

Craig nodded, "good for you man. How's the baby?"

"Perfect" I smiled, "she gets bigger every time I see her, it sort of blows my mind how fast she's growing"

"How often do you see her?" he asked

"Um a couple times a week," I answered, "but it's been awhile, Ellie and her mom drove to B.C. to see family a few days ago, she should be back tonight though" I explained

Craig raised his eyebrows, "so how's Ellie?"

I shook my head, "that's been over for almost a year Craig"

He laughed, "You and I both know that isn't true. You guys were together like the whole time she was pregnant"

I shook my head, "no we were not…not the whole time."

"And I saw her kiss you at graduation" he gave me a sly look

"That was nothing," I brushed him off, "Ellie doesn't have any feelings left for me other than the ones that she has to have since I'm Grace's dad."

Craig could tell that I was getting a bit defensive so he changed the subject just as the food came. We went on to talk about Ashley, and a song that Craig and the band were working on. I had really missed hanging out with him. I was happy that he was staying in town for University. He was going to Community College and Ash would be at York, so as long as they stuck together, he was going to stay in Toronto.

We had finished our food and I was sucking down the last of my milkshake when Craig realized that he had scheduled a band practice and forgot about it.

"I gotta run" he said, tossing ten dollars down on the table

"Good to see you Craig," I said, "I'll see you soon?"

"Definitely man," he said pushing open the door, "real soon"

I looked down at the bill Spinner had brought, the total was only six bucks. That was so like Craig, to pay for my food and expect me not to notice. I got up to go and was stopped quickly when I ran into someone who was coming in.

"Oh, sorry" I mumbled, my eyes still on the ground

"Hey Sean" I heard

When I looked up I saw Emma smiling back at me. She was wearing a blue tank top that showed off her slender shoulders, her white skirt showed just enough of her tan legs, and white flip flops laid under her perfectly pedicured toes.

"Oh…uh, Hey Em" I stammered

She took a few steps into the restaurant and I took a few back to join her.

"What are you doing here?" she asked

"Oh, I just had lunch with Craig"

"Oh fun," she smiled, "I'm picking up lunch for my mom and Snake"

In case I didn't mention it before, Snake is Emma's step dad, although he's Mr. Simpson, the computer teacher to me. That was his nickname in high school, Emma's mom, she was Spike. They've known each other that long, so Joey and the other old Degrassi students still call them that.

"How's your summer going?" she asked, walking toward the counter

"Pretty good" I started, "but I've gotta go pick up the car I just bought"

She raised her eyebrows, "a car huh?"

"Yeah" I smiled, I'm not sure what drove me to, but then I said, "too bad I have nowhere to take it"

"That's too bad" she pouted, laughing

"You know," I said leaning on the counter, "if you're not doing anything"

"I'd love to" she said as soon as the words left my mouth

"Great" I smiled slyly, "I'll be at your house at…seven?"

"See you then" she said, turning toward Spinner who was behind the cash register.

I walked back to the car dealership with a bit more spring in my step. When I got back to the house I showered and picked up the place as best as I could. It still looked like a dump, but I made my bed. I cleaned out the car and washed it, this was my first date in a very very long time, and I wasn't sure what was expected.

At six-thirty I was sitting on the couch, dressed and ready to go. But I was too scared to leave too early, and I didn't want to be late. I was practically sweating trying to figure everything out. Plus, I didn't even know if it was a date. Did Emma even like me? Was she just being nice to me?

When I had shut my brain off long enough to realize that it was six forty-five, I took one more look around my place, it didn't really look half bad. Then I walked to my new car with a little swagger in my step.

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This chapter was 5,000 words by itself…I split it up for you guys though

Reeeeview!


	13. Sean: Wait For Me

here's the other half...

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I got to Emma's two minutes before seven. I walked up to the door and rang the door bell. I stood a minute, looking around at the red bricks around the door. I heard a yell from inside, a high-pitched, childlike yell. Then, I heard Spike's voice, "Jack! Hold on!" 

A second later the door flew open, and there was Emma's mom, she had Emma's brother, Jack flung haphazardly over her hip. He was squealing in a pair of green footie pajamas. "hey Sean," she said out of breath. She set Jack down as I stepped into the house and he took off toward the kitchen. I wasn't looking forward to Grace starting to walk, it would be way too much work.

Spike closed the door and I stood in the middle of the landing, "come on in Sean, Emma will be down in a minute."

Before I reached the living room, she threw her arms around my neck, "I've missed you Sean"

"Thanks Christine"

She went into the living room and I followed her. I sat down on the couch and a million memories of watching movies in the dark with Emma, sneaking innocent kisses when her parents weren't in the room.

Mr. Simpson came into the room with a little blonde toddler on his hip, who now had his little thumb stuck firmly in his mouth. "Hey Sean!" he said with a smile

"Hey Mr. S" I smiled back

He sat Jack down in Spikes lap and sat down in an armchair next to the couch, "how's the baby?" he asked

"Oh, she's good, growing a lot" I reached for my wallet, "I've got pictures"

Spike jumped, "oh! I want to see!"

I grabbed the tiny stack of pictures out of my wallet, one was from hospital that they had taken the day she was born, and a few that Ellie's mom had done at the portrait studio the week before.

She took them from me and began excitedly flipping through them excitedly, "oh Sean, she looks just like you"

I shrugged, "that's what everyone says, but I don't really see it"

She handed them to Snake, "she's a lovely little girl Sean" he smiled, "I really am proud of you and Ellie for being so responsible" Mr. Simpson had been through too much with me. At the end of grade ten, after Emma and me broke up, I stole his laptop. I swore he would never forgive me, but unlike anyone else in my life ever has, he gave me another chance.

I almost blushed, "thanks Mr. S, that really means a lot"

"How is it being a dad Sean?" he asked

"It has its good and bad, just like everything I'm sure"

Spike put her hand on my shoulder, "I've been there Sean, and I know what you mean"

I laughed a little, "I really hope Grace turns out as well as Emma did"

She smiled proudly, "I'm sure you'll do just fine"

As soon as she had said that, we heard Emma coming up the stairs. After her brother was born, she moved down into the basement. She appeared at the door in the kitchen wearing a low-cut black top with a tight pair of dark jeans. Her hair was curled with her bangs pinned back on top of her head. She looked breathtakingly gorgeous.

"Ready to go?" I asked

"Yeah, let's get out of here." She grinned, I headed to the door and she joined me, "g'night, guys"

"Bye Em" Spike said, "one o'clock ok?"

She smiled, "you got it mom"

We walked silently to the car, and I opened the door for her. I'm pretty sure that was what you did for a girl on a date; she seemed to appreciate it nonetheless. We got in the car and buckled our seatbelts, and then Emma turned to me

"So, where are we going?"

I felt like the biggest idiot in the world, "I didn't even think of that" she laughed playfully, "we could go see a movie"

"That would be fun, except, I really would like to talk to you"

"Dinner then?" I raised my eyebrows

"Yeah," she smiled biting her lip, she always did that when she was being flirty, "that would be wonderful."

She suggested a little place almost all the way downtown. It was called Toni's, it was diner style place, except nicer than your normal corner restaurant. Emma and I both ordered salads, and then had some nice conversation. I opened up to her very easily, just like I always had.

I told her everything about Ellie and me. Absolutely everything, stuff I hadn't told Craig or anyone. Some things I had never even thought about that just came to me at that moment. I told her about the stupid fights, and how I couldn't stop loving her despite everything, I told her about how badly Ellie had broken my heart, and how lonely I was. And she sat on the other side of the table listening intently.

"Sometimes," I told her, "I look at that little girl and it breaks my heart knowing that she might grow up hating me" I choked back the tears I could feel coming by the lump in my throat, "you know, for not being around."

Emma reached across and held my hand, her touch sent shivers through my body, good ones.

"I tried to stay with Ellie, I really did…but…she didn't want me" I realized I was turning into a big mess and wiped my eyes with the hand Emma wasn't holding, "I'm sorry, I'm ruining the evening"

She squeezed my hand sweetly, "no, you're not" she looked toward the door, "come on let's get out of here, I know somewhere we can go"

I threw some money on the table and she grabbed my hand and yanked me toward the door. We got back in the car and I followed Emma's directions. I honestly had no idea where we were going. I didn't recognize anything around me. We were going down these downtown streets winding from block to block. We got toward the end of the downtown area, and Emma had me turn onto a road that led slightly uphill. At the top there was an office building, about six stories high. All the lights were off, considering that it was almost eleven at night. I parked the car between two trees, in the dark. We got out and Emma led me around to the back of the building.

"Where are we?" I whispered

"Just hold on," she giggled

There was a large green dumpster at the back of the building. Emma jumped up on the lid, in heels and all. She stepped up onto a windowsill a few feet above it, and then hoisted herself into the window ledge above it. There was a large pained window in front of her, with a smaller one above it. She stood on her tiptoes and pressed the smaller window, it popped right open. She leaned over and signaled for me to follow her. I never thought of Emma Nelson as one to break and enter, but I followed her anyway. As I was climbing I saw her jump up and wriggle through the smaller window.

When I reached the window in which Emma had climbed, she was inside. She opened the larger window from the inside and I easily stepped in. The room that we had landed in was just a simple office. There was a wooden desk, computer, telephone, and a few pens in a cup. On the walls there were pictures of painted beach scenes, and sailboats. On the desk were many framed pictures of babies, and a lovely woman in a wedding dress.

While I was staring at the room, Emma started down the hallway. I quickly followed to catch up with her. She practically sprinted to the end of the hallway and up the stairs. I was laughing at the same time I was trying to catch my breath as we flew up three flights of stairs. Then, we went back down the hallway to the other side of the building, a blue glow coming from each office's computer screen. Emma reached a janitor's closet, she jiggled the handle and it didn't open. I started to turn around, but in one swift movement she popped the door open. I was really impressed with this new criminal mastermind side of her. Inside the closet there was just what you would expect to find, a broom, a mop, towels. But on the back wall there were small metal rungs going up the cinder block to a hatch in the ceiling. Emma climbed it excitedly, and then lifted the hatch. She scurried onto the roof and I followed her.

I hadn't been on the roof of a building since the day I fell for Ellie. We were both stuck in detention, and everyone there decided to break out. The two of us were lying on the gravel and she asked me if she freaked me out. I asked her if I got to her, and she simply said, "dream on" While we were lying there, she lifted her black sleeve to show me the deep scars all over her arms. She was hurting, she needed me…she needed someone to save her.

I got out onto the roof and I saw Emma's shadow heading for the other side, I followed, and what I saw next really took my breath away. You could see all of Toronto, without even needing to turn your head. There was a beautiful glow that surrounded all of it, but it wasn't too bright, because you could see the stars peeking out on the other side of all the tall buildings.

She sat down close to the edge and leaned back on her hands, and for the first time in a few minutes she spoke, "it's gorgeous isn't it?"

"Yeah" was all I could manage. After a few minutes passed I asked her, "How do you know about this place?"

She shrugged, "there was this guy…his uncle works here, we came up her a lot" she looked away, obviously not wanting to talk about who ever this guy was. Then she squirmed a little, looking guilty "…ok, he didn't know anyone that worked here, he broke in to steal some stuff, and we came up on the roof one night."

"He sounds like a catch" I laughed

She laughed nervously, "yeah, not my proudest moment"

"Don't worry," I said relaxing, "I've had plenty of those not so proud moments"

A cool breeze started blowing and she scooted closer to me. As I stared out at the Toronto skyline and my eyes started to blur, it became this brilliant glow of colors that swept across the horizon.

"It's weird you know," I began, thinking out loud, "to think that there's this whole world, even bigger than all of this. That we, sitting here right now, mean nothing to the rest of everything…"

I felt her slip her fingers through mine, "you mean something to a lot of people," I turned to look at her, "especially me"

I still don't understand what brought me to do it, but I placed my hand on her cheek, then I leaned forward and kissed her. When our lips touched for the first time in years, it felt just as wonderful and special as our first kiss at her mom's wedding. My whole body was filled with these little jolts of energy than ran through my veins. All those feelings of love for Emma that I had hidden in the deepest part of me just let go all at once.

When I pulled away from her and looked into her eyes, she looked at me with a puzzled expression, "what is it Sean?"

"I just forgot…" I whispered, "What it felt like to be happy"

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I fumbled with my keys to open the door in the dark, while Emma ran her hands over my shoulders and down my arms, placing tiny kisses on my neck.

"Hurry Sean" she giggled

"I'm working on it," I said in a singsong voice

When I finally got the door open Emma flew inside and down my steps into the living room. I shut the door behind me quickly, turned to her, and reached back to flip the lock closed loudly. She was standing at the bottom of the stairs, biting her lip nervously, her eyes begging. I walked slowly down the steps, making her jumpy, she wanted me so bad and I loved every second of it.

When I got to the bottom she lunged at me like a hungry animal. Our mouths were passionately colliding while she was tugging my shirt untucked from my pants. Our lips never parted as I pushed her backward down the hall to my bedroom. When we got inside I led her to the bed and pushed her down on it. She fell back on the bedspread, giggling excitedly. I kicked my foot back, slamming the bedroom door.

Emma laid back on the bed with her elbows under her; she looked up at me seductively. I yanked my shirt off my head in one tug and made my way slowly to her. I lowered myself over her and she craned her neck to reach my mouth before I even got close.

Neither of us had mentioned sex at all the whole way home, it just was understood that we both wanted it. I took her home after we'd climbed down from the office building, I walked her to the door and she told me to take my car a block over and wait five minutes. I did as she told me, and five minutes later she appeared at my car. She had woken her parents up to say goodnight, and then climbed out of the window in her basement.

Making love to Emma was something I had wanted to do for quite a long time. In the middle of our relationship I told myself that she was going to be my first. But I had messed that up a few years before. I went to a party with Jay and hooked up with a girl that I don't even remember her name. That same night I met Amy when she offered to pleasure me if I opened her beer. I had absolutely no feelings at all toward Amy, we were together for two months and I never once for a moment liked her. She was a drunk with a nice rack, she was rude and skanky…and I was with her just because I thought that screwing such an awful person would make Emma jealous. I know for a fact that it didn't.

I'm not sure why, but it stung to my core when about halfway through I realized that Emma had done this before…many times. For some reason I half expected her to wait for me, to wait for that day when I would stop being an idiot long enough to remember how much I loved her. But it didn't really matter, because she was with me now, and life was absolutely perfect.

That night I fell asleep with Emma wrapped tightly in my arms. It was the best sleep I'd had in months. Finally, things were how they were supposed to be.

I woke up from a deep sleep when the afternoon sun was in my eyes. I rolled over to touch Emma, but there was nothing there. I opened my eyes and saw a piece of paper folded on the pillow. My heart sank when I read it

_Sean, _

_I just couldn't stay _

_I'm sorry _

_This was a mistake _

_Emma_

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Review please, be kind

I'll try to make it up to you ok?


	14. Emma: My Side

A/N: so sorry for the huge gap between updates, things have been really crazy. Ive had work, orientation, and my Grandpa died...

I'll try and keep updates frequent again.

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It isn't very hard to fall for Sean Cameron. I know, because I've done it too many times.

My feelings for him never entirely went away, he was my first love. It's one of those bonds that is just too hard to break. When I saw him with that baby at graduation, it was just too easy. He looked at that little girl with so much love in his eyes, and I remembered a similar look that he used to give me.

I just couldn't turn him down when he asked me out that day at the dot. I could tell that he had grown up a lot. He wasn't that same old angry kid, he had a job and a house, a car, and a baby. He wasn't going to hurt me again…but I could still hurt him.

I didn't want to leave him that night. It was one of the best nights I'd had in a long time. I wanted it to go on forever, to stay in his arms away from all the crap in my life that I just didn't deal with. But I just felt so guilty. Sean had spent the evening pouring out his soul to me, everything he had done and regretted since we'd been apart. It just wasn't fair that he didn't know anything about me anymore.

But maybe it was better that way.

The summer after my tenth grade year, Sean was living with Ellie, and perfectly happy. I was having a lot of identity issues. I didn't know who I was anymore. Everyone just knew me as "the cause girl". Just the tall blonde who cares about the environment. I had never done anything risky in my life. I had always been safe, and good. I didn't hate my life, I mean it was practically perfect, most people wouldn't complain…but I needed a change. I needed to be something different.

I was at the mall, buying shoes or CDs maybe. I walked through the food court when I heard a wolf whistle coming from a table behind me. The feminist in me turned around to smack whoever had made the rude gesture. When I turned I saw Jay Hogart, the school's bad boy and Sean's ex best friend. He was leaning back casually in a chair, raising his eyebrows at me.

"Can I help you?" I asked sarcastically

"Yeah I think you can" he said in his slick voice, "my my, you really have grown up little Miss Green peace"

"What do you want Jay?" I said, folding my arms, trying to ignore him but I couldn't help but to enjoy the compliment…sleazy as it was

"I want you, to come to a party with me tonight"

I would've said no, but I remembered that Emma Nelson was boring, I needed to branch out, "ok, where and when?" I asked much to his surprise

For the rest of that summer I partied and screwed around with Jay. He lied, he cheated and stole, he drank and did drugs, and best of all…he had a girlfriend that wasn't me. Being with Jay gave me an intense adrenaline rush, and made me feel like I was being so bad. It was the craziest time of my life, I loved every second of chaos. I fed off the way Jay looked at me when I wore skimpy outfits, and the way he looked when I took them off.

When school started, we both pretended it never happened.

Jay was Sean's best friend. If he ever found out any of the things we did, he would kill Jay…maybe even me.

But I couldn't just go on and lie about it. When I woke up early that morning and I saw Sean sleeping peacefully next to me, I did the only thing I could think of. I tiptoed to the kitchen and found some scrap paper in a drawer, I scribbled a note after what seemed like hours of staring at the blank sheet. No words seemed right, and the truth wouldn't fit on the small square. With a sinking feeling in my stomach, I left the note with Sean and slipped out of the house. It hurt me more than he knew. I wanted to be with him, I really did. Sean was my first love, my true love.

And there are a few times when the regret sets in…

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	15. Ellie: Not Yet

The trip to B.C. with my mom was absolutely dreadful. It wasn't the best time to find out that Grace doesn't do well on car trips.

When we got back home, it was about three in the afternoon. I put Grace in bed, she was so cranky it was almost impossible to even get her to sleep. When I finally saw her shut her eyes and her endless crying stopped I breathed a sigh of relief and went to my dresser. My cell phone was sitting on top, I grabbed it and quietly went into the kitchen. My mom was back in her room, unpacking and calling my grandmother to let her know we were home safely.

Mom had made me leave my cell phone at home, since she refused to pay for long distance calls. I turned it on and the screen flashed the message, "one new voicemail"

I pressed the one and held the phone to my ear. The robotic voice went as follows, "you have one new message from Friday July seventh, at nine-thirty a.m."

That was today.

"Hey Ellie" the voice said, "It's Sean" he sounded upset, and a little frantic, "I was just wondering when you guys were going to get back. I really want to see you, and Gracie…uh, call me"

I couldn't figure out why he would be upset, and I realized that he had said, "I want to see you." Did he really mean it?

I called him back almost immediately, "hey Sean" I said when he had picked up

"Are you home?" he asked excitedly

"Yeah, you wanna come over?" I asked

"I'll be right there!" and then he hung up

Sean arrived quicker than I had planned, I wasn't aware that he had bought a car while I was gone. He had been talking about it for awhile, but I didn't really believe him.

When I opened the door for him he wrapped his arms around me. I hugged him back; it felt nice to have him hold me again.

"Come in" I said quietly, "Grace is sleeping, I think my mom is too"

I closed the door and turned to find Sean pacing awkwardly around my kitchen.

"You ok Sean?" I asked

He nodded quickly and sat, "yeah, I'm fine I just had a…weird morning. I missed you guys"

I sat next to him, "weird?" I asked

"It's a long story El," he turned away from me, looking guilty

"No, tell me. I have time" I settled into the cushions

"I just…I went on a date last night"

My stomach sank, "a date?"

"Yeah, and everything was great. At least I thought it was, and then I woke up this morning and she wasn't there…she just left…"

I'm pretty sure that he kept talking, but I couldn't listen. A girl spent the night with Sean? With my Sean? Had we really been broken up that long? I wasn't ready for Sean to be with other girls, especially that way. He was supposed to still be stuck on me…like I was still stuck on him.

When I snapped back to Earth he was staring at me, "so what do I do?"

I reached out and ran my hands through his wavy blonde hair, when I looked into his blue eyes my heart warmed. I smiled and kissed him with all the love I had in my body. For just a moment he kissed back, then violently broke away.

"No Ellie! No! You can't do this!" he stood and backed away from the couch

"Sean! You'll wake up the baby" I pleaded in a whisper

"Ellie I can't take this!" tears were forming in his eyes, "you've made it clear that you don't want to be with me anymore. And then when someone else comes into the picture you want me again? "

"Sean that's not-" I tried to tell him

He pointed his finger angrily at me, "no! Don't tell me that isn't true! Because it is! I love you, and you know that. But I'm so sick of this back and forth. Do you love me or not?" I sat silently, holding back tears, "yes or no Ellie!" he was screaming now, though his voice was cracking from the tears, his lips were pursed in attempt to hold in his flood of emotions. I kept quiet still, unable to speak, he sighed, "I can't do this anymore. I'm done El, I'm done"

He turned over his shoulder and bolted for the door, it slammed with fury and pain. The noise echoed through the house. I heard Grace start to whimper down the hall, and I heard the sound of my own crying soon follow it.

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	16. Sean: Not Backing Out

**A/N: I'm a bad bad college freshman with no time on her hands…I'm so sorry about the big gap. But the new season excitement is helping, it's so nice to see Daniel again…even though he looks dirtier than Kevin Federline**

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About a week after the giant blowup with Ellie, I had just finished a rough day at work. I trudged up the driveway to the building to find Ellie, looking very perturbed on my front step.

She quickly stood and wiped off her jeans, "I thought you got off at 6."

"Well, I had other things to do," I told her, trying my hardest not to touch her as I squeezed past on my way to the door, "and when did you memorize my schedule? Don't you think that's a bit creepy and stalker-ish?"

She didn't look amused, "Sean, I have to talk to you about something" she followed me in

"Ok, shoot" I said, throwing my keys on the counter and yanking my oily shirt over my head. I knew she was angry with me, and I wasn't really thrilled to see her. Nevertheless, I was trying my hardest to be cute and calm her down. I reached for the zipper on my jeans, "mind if I take a shower first?"

She stood firmly in the living room, staring at me.

I sighed and walked as slowly as possible to where she was standing.

"Sit" was all she said

I obeyed, a little scared of what she might do.

"Sean it has become clear that we need some changes in our lives. So I've been spending a bit of time with my attorney and we've figured out what needs to be done." She reached into the small messenger bag that was slung loosely over her shoulder. "Here these are for you"

She threw a huge yellow envelope down on the coffee table; they shook its flimsy legs.

"Mom and I think it's best" her face was serious and her tone was frightfully solemn

I laughed, unaware of what emotion I should've been feeling, "are you serious?"

She folded her arms, "completely serious"

I reached forward and picked up the envelope. It had a sticker reading "Cohen, Cohen and Brooks Law Firm" on the flap. I carefully pulled out the large stack of papers. They were littered with highlighter and post-it flags. Large paperclips held certain sections together. I carefully flipped through them catching phrases here and there. The top read in fancy bold lettering "Petition for custody."

My eyes wandered over check boxes and paragraphs. Things like "little or no visitation" and "permanent."

I looked back up at Ellie and set the documents down, choosing my words carefully, "Look, I'm sorry it didn't work between us, but I tried! You can't take my daughter away from me!"

"Actually I can, and I will" she retorted

"I don't know who you think I am but I'm not just going to let you walk all over me like this." I snatched up the papers and fumbled through them, "what's your case huh? What makes me such an unfit parent?"

She wasn't moving, a stern look was frozen on her beautiful face.

"Ellie, I love you" She still didn't budge. "You know that, I know you do. Please don't hurt Gracie over this, she's completely innocent in all this."

"Sean, this isn't debatable anymore."

I was officially done being the nice guy. I saw that she really meant business. Why, I wasn't too sure of yet but I knew hoe stubborn she could be. I had no other choice, "Ok, then I'm going to fight you on this. You don't have a case! I'm getting my own attorney and we'll settle this."

She scoffed quietly

I got close to her and said as coolly as possible, "you're turning into your mother"

That really got her, just like I knew it would. She turned on her heels and marched up to the door. "Those papers are for you, look over them. You can call the number on the front to set up a hearing."

And then she was gone, and my whole world was crumbling underneath me.

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**Sorry this was so dialogue heavy**

**Reviews are always appreciated!!**


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